Growing Up....looking inward....

In the quiet moments at home, usually when Felipe passes out on top of me, I look at Felipe and imagine the life that awaits him. A light brown hair, blue eye boy, with a clearly Hispanic first and last name.  I  know that he would face different treatment if he had darker features, if he had different textured hair, if he grew up in a different neighborhood, etc .  How to teach a child of tolerance in a world that clearly glosses over the hurts of the American Society and lets it break out into violence? I've seen the photos of the parents of Michael Brown, shot, unarmed by the police and I have wept. I look to my faith, Christianity, where the love of another is emphasized, forgiveness for those who hurt us, and with the knowledge that there is a divine power who entrust us with the job of taking care of each other. In seeing the images that mirror the civil rights movement of the 1960's streaming from my TV, I waiver and for a second wish the alternative, looking for retaliation.  I am in constant prayer over the hearts and minds of our fellow citizens who treat their neighbors with so much hate and intolerance.

The intellectual part of me which to explore and analyze why does history repeat it self? how does a society evaluate itself or have moments of introspection to prevent the history from repeating itself.  My more practical side wonders, how does this apply to my daily life?  What have I repeated in my life, in raising Felipe, that I haven't been introspective about.  Reading, Compound Effect, it warns of living life kinda on "autopilot", not being intentional in one's daily's life.  In creating a new healthy lifestyle, I'm trying to evaluate certain triggers.  Why do I suddenly crave sweet? Why am I looking for junk food? I've come to discover a couple of things.... 1) when I don't drink enough water, I start to crave snacking every 10 minutes.  I drink a bottle of water, I'm over it and I can hold out till my next scheduled snack time.  2) I use food as a reward and I have a hard time thinking of other "rewards" that aren't food related.  We've always celebrated bday with a huge meal and cake. Or on a weekly basis, "I've done well on eating for 6 days, on the 7th day, I should get a pie", LOL.  Food is Fuel, not a reward.

I don't have answers yet, but keeping things at the forefront and really trying to approach things differently is what I seek to do.  As for American society, with its school shooting, police brutality, & accepted level of violence, I will continue to pray for change and pray to find a way I can assist in finding peace.  And perhaps I should start with the simple things, drink more water, hug Felipe tightly and tell him everyday, without fail, that I love him.

Felipe has wanted to cuddle and sleep, he has a canker sore and doesn't feel like eating.  He has been holding my hand as he sleep(makes it hard to type, lol).  So cute and it sparks a lot of thought and introspection. God Bless

Felipe v. Stairs...

Felipe on Stairs

Sorry I had to make it a link since I didn't know how to put into the actual blog.  I'm still learning how to use this blog site.  lol

Chatterbox and Climber...

Felipe is doing well!  He is starting to speak more.  At a family BBQ, he spent his time with Abuelito Herminio pointing at passing planes "plane" "ane" "Pane" He is getting closer to saying the word clearly.  During the BBQ, felipe got naked (kept the diaper, thank goodness!) and started to exercise on his own.  He climbed up the stairs to give his older cousin a "high five" and then came back down and repeated it all about 4 times.  Its such a great moment to capture bc he did it all on his own, with very little prompting and seemed to enjoy hs new freedom.  thankfully we do not have stairs in our apartment, but going to Abuelita Blanca's house is a treat.

His cousin, 2 years old, and Felipe had a long conversation at my mother's birthday party.  What about? who knows?! but they seemed to understand each other.  It started after Felipe saw his cousin's toy.  It seemed liked Felipe asked to play with it.  and his cousin said "No, Mine"  He speaks very clearly and was obvious that he did not want to share.  However, Felipe continued with "bah ag go go ago" and other variations of words that seemed to lay out Felipe's argument for why he should have a chance to play with the toy.  Hilarious!! In the end, the two little chatterboxes were great entertainment for the adults who watched them in suspense on how this little conversation would end.  I was nervous Felipe would take a huge bite out of his cousin as he does with me.  Instead, his cousin very sweetly placed the toy in front of Felipe pointed to it and said "that's baby's toy" and then let him play with it for a fraction of a second before it became his again.  He is such a sweet boy for being 2, that was an enormously sweet gesture.

Another week of services and appointments. Felipe woke up on Monday morning (2am) with a high fever.  It has been managed with Tylenol and Motrin and now it is a low fever, that seems to come back after 6 hrs of his medication running out.  So Felipe is a little cranky and needy.  We canceled his gym time on monday but kept his other appointments.  However when the SI arrived he had enough energy to say hi, blow some bubbled and then fell asleep mid activity.

With the SI we reviewed from techniques for Felipe to sleep on his own and to create self soothing.  He seems to enjoy all the time with the therapist.  I was sad he didn't get to spend time with her but at least the SI and I caught up on various goals and expectations for Felipe.  She thinks he is very bright and willing to learn.

This weekend over all has been hard for the family health wise.  I haven't slept in days, mostly bc Felipe wasn't feeling well and I get up at every little noise that he makes. I'm settle my goals for sleep:  Felipe to sleep in his own bed.  Felipe to sleep until morning (7am) Felipe to go to sleep at 9pm.  I will go to sleep at 10:30pm.  I will get at least 7 hours of sleep. I will sleep thought out the night too.

Film on Felipe going up the stairs coming soon...as soon as I figure out how to post it on blog.

Its a PLANE!!!! and other guessing games...

Felipe has been trying to saw more words, they just come out a little garbled and it ends up being a guessing game.

"ane" = Airplane

"Ba"= anything round, maybe milk, maybe bottle, maybe water

he has a slight variation of "bah" which seems like he is asking a question...I'm thinking this is attempt at AQUA...water.  its one of the few words he is getting in spanish.

I really had my heart on teaching him spanish while he was growing up. However with so much going on in his life, I am slowly accepting that it might be best to wait until he isn't in a thousand services for his development.

Felipe is cranky during physical therapy, he is teething so between being frustrated that he can't communicate, getting mad and wanting to bit down on things, Mami is severally covered with bites :(

in other news, Felipe tried watermelon for the first time yesterday, he loved it!  Watermelon has so many memories for me...growing up with  my bro and cousin, having competitions of who could eat the most watermelon, or who could sort out the seeds faster, etc.  all fun times.

Hip Update!

Felipe met with Ortho yesterday and while the doctor feels that the hips are displaced, they are in a similar position as before.  So nothing urgent needs to be done to address the situation.  the next step is to take X-Rays of his hips and create a long term plan.  Options remain the same, hip surgery, or continue to wait and see.

Waiting and seeing how things develop is very difficult but I would rather wait and find out that he doesn't need surgery.  I am grateful that he is not in any pain or discomfort.  And despite the hectic schedule yesterday he was in a playful mood with the doctor.

Yesterday we had physical therapy at the gym, Felipe walked side to side while holding on to a work bench and he was getting faster and faster during the session.  The gym PT is happy with the progress. And while Felipe tired to take too big of a step a couple of times, and freaked himself out, he for the most part had fun.  give him a car, and move it to the opposite side of a workbench, seems like torture to me, but he did it with a smile.

After the gym, we came home and had speech therapy and special instruction.  ST has reminded me to reinforce the words that he is saying.  I'm starting to keep a running list on the fridge for the day, that way I can remind myself what he has said and to reinforce it too.  the special instructor was impressed with his behavior despite having a lot of things scheduled.  She noted that he likes to rush through things and at times skips the steps while in play (put ball down, hit with hammer, he tried to just hit the ball w his hands, he gets impatient). She suggested ways to get him to continue on his steps, prompts and gesturing a lot.  The 30 minutes seem to fly by, she has awesome toys.

Both the ST and SI are both impressed that Felipe got services at all. He is very bright and is cooperative with the instructors.  They couldn't believe that he got 2 sessions of 30 minutes of ST bc really he is on the cusp of qualifying.  I think the approval was a result of my first appeal of the PT.  They denied me 5 times a day, and I immediately appealed.  I fought for it till we got it a few weeks later, even before it reached mediation.  I think the person who approves the services knows I will appeal, I will advocate.  While I am grateful for the personal connections, friends and coworkers at legal aid who helped me with the process, I am still furious to know that parents are routinely intimated by phone calls from "head honchos" in the early intervention program, who claim to be experts on children.  Especially peeves that often these decisions to approve or not approve are based on "guesstimates" with no consultations with doctors, therapist or the child's medical providers.  I had all my ducks in a row, all the providers wrote me letters, all the providers were willing to be available by phone during the mediation, I had a witness list.  I am grateful for my training as a paralegal and as an attorney and keeping my self centered through prayer and prayers of my friends and family.

Today, another busy day, Speech and then physical therapy.  ST went well, he got really annoyed at her for not giving him the toy.  She won't give it to him unless he points or tries to say mine or more.  She didn't address the frustration, just applauded him when he did what she asked for.  I will try to replicate this, even when he is biting, just keep it moving. its so hard sometimes, especially now that he is getting his incisors, geez!  ST things he might have a sensory thing related to the biting, he likes it as tension relief.  She is going to get him a specialized "biter" that she uses for kids with feeding issues.  Felipe also doesn't try to eat crispy foods like crackers/toast.  She thinks this will help with that as well.  I'm going to find him a vibrating toothbrush too, in the hopes it will relieve some of that desire to bit mami or papi.  (although I do find it funny when he bites Hubby....LOL....at least it isn't me and Herminio yells so loudly...sorry hunny)

After such a hard and sweaty workout, Felipe fell asleep for 2 hours, sleeping beauty is waking up...gotta run.

Playtime is important

My friend from high school was in town (she lives now in ATL) and we set up a little play date between her sons 7 and 2.5, and Felipe.  I made sure that Felipe napped and was well fed so that he could be in his best mood!  Felipe, due in large part to his schedule doesn't get to hang out with children.  We are usually running around from appointment to appointment.  I signed up to Meetup.com in the hopes to find a play group for him so he can socialize with other kids.

As to be expected, Felipe was shy and clung to me once we walked into the apartment.  He later became curious of her oldest, following him around and just starting at him.  And when the 2 1/2 woke up from his nap, Felipe was chasing him around.  There were some attempts to catch him but it looked liked he was trying to hit him.  He doesn't know yet his own strength or even sense of pain he causes when he hits people.  I had to separate him out a couple of times but overall the visit when well and the boys seemed to have fun together.

After seeing him get adjusted to the new environment and having fun with the boys, I am more determined to find a play group.  It might even have to be a "working parents" group....I hope they don't find out, I'm not working!!!!  Looking at Felipe meet new kids and slowly warm up to them, I realize that I'm staying away from playgroups in large part bc the nervousness I feel about meeting new people.  Especially parents! I can make friends, maintain them and love the ones I have now, I get nervous meeting new people. Felipe was acting age appropriate, being tentative, observing and then jumping right in to play with them.  I'm glad that he showed that boldness and confidence. Parents are particularly unnerving bc there are some can compare your kid to theirs, make things into a competition, and give unsolicited advice.  With my friends who are parents, I know them well and I know they intent that I and Felipe are happy and healthy.  And they are all aware of my schedule so there is an added level of compassion.  In the end, its up to me to keep other people's commends in perspective and my own REACTION in check.  So, creating a new search for playgroups immediately. (definitely after Monday)

Friday August 1, we have another busy schedule lined up.  We have to move the car on the alternative side parking, drive to the gym for his therapy.  Pick up laundry on the way back and stop at the store to pick up some fresh herbs and onions for soup.  Get back and wait for the physical therapist that comes to the home.  He took 2 days off for religious holiday and now he makes up the time on Friday.  Yesterday, Felipe cried throughout the whole session.  It was a workout for him.  Felipe was covered in sweat after it!!  The PT had asked me to purchase high top boots.  A tall order in the middle of summer, but I was able to find a pair.  He was able to stretch and place his foot in the boot, without the braces and have him take several steps.  EXCITING!!!! I'm hoping to capture his few steps today in his boots during PT.

Off to get Felipe ready for the day....

Hips Hips Hips...

Felipe saw his pediatrician on Tuesday.  Overall he is doing great and she was delighted to see that the new therapy technique has yielded such great and speedy results.  He is at 50% weight and 60% hieght for a child his age. During the physical, the doctor checked to see how his hips were doing.  Prior to Janurary, she had not felt any difference in his hips.  The Ortho at Mt Sinani came for a consult during his week long stay there and she was the one who noted that he had a very slight (and couldn't be seen by regular physical) hip displacement.  Reviewing the X ray she determined both hips were displaced by 30%.  The new ortho, at Hospital for Special Surgery seemed to agree that the displacement is very minor and might even be considered normal for his age.  So basically, we were to monitor the hips with X rays in September.

This physical exam, the doctor said she could feel the hip, the left one, coming in and out of the socket.  Not a good sign.  Felipe was not in any discomfort or any pain.  She was concerned that it was something she began to feel, whereas a few months ago, it was barely noticeable that she couldn't identify it.  She asked if I could call the Ortho and schedule an earlier appointment.  The PT at home had also made a comment about his hips, his concerns that Felipe hasn't kept weight on his left leg for long.  Thinking that September wasn't too far away, he thought it would be ok to wait till then.

Spoke with Ortho's secretary and nurse, they recommend him to come into the office immediately.  Felipe has an appointment with Ortho on Monday at 9am.  He will most likely get a physical and an Xray to see whether the hips have gotten worse. Again, this all is a domino effect from not being able to bare weight on his legs bc of his feet.  If there is no weight baring on his legs, his hip sockets do not form deep groves.  If there are no deep groves, the hips remain with a very little arch and can cause hips to get frequently dislocated.  Surgery would be required to make the grooves deeper.

Praying that we have a solution and a plan for Felipe's overall physical therapy and rehabilitation by Monday.  Since we have to go see Ortho we will have to cancel the Monday appointment at the gym, and depending when we get out of the appointment, possibly the speech and special instructor appointment.

Its a bit disheartening to hear that hip surgery is a possibility.  So far he has been making such great progress and I don't want that to end or be derailed due to recovering from another surgery.  And I was getting used to not being in a hospital environment for long period of time. Being away from home and by Felipe's bedside was very exhausting and not the greatest for my health.  I ate whatever was available and usually ordered comfort food.  I'm also making strides in being healthier and don't want to be derailed by more stress.  However, stress is inevitable and so I'll have to take it as a challenge to be better even under the stressful circumstances.

In December, while I was in a particular funk with all the stress of trying to settle back from the rehab center, coordinating the services to come into the home, and trying to find an answer to his drop foot, I spent a lot of my time watching TV.  They say its like "chewing gum for the eyes" but really for me it was my escape. And what better way to escape the stress of life by binge watching episodes of CHUCK on Netflix.  CHUCK is this comedy/action series about a dorky, college drop out who unwillingly becomes the holder of information for the CIA and he has to become a semi-spy while the try to get the info back from him.  Its a comedy bc he is so dorky, untrained spy and all the messes he gets into.  But I mention CHUCK bc in the series he has a brother in law who he lives with, Captain Awesome. He has a real name but everyone calls him Captain Awesome. He got that name bc he does everything well. He is friendly, he is an outdoor adventurer, he is an avid biker, traveler, etc, and during the day he is a doctor.  He is the boyfriend of chuck's sister who he lives with and the comedy surrounds it all bc they don't know that Chuck is a semi-spy and all the ridiculous things that Chuck has to cover up before he blows his cover.

Anyway, a long detailed explanation of my own moment of realizing that I would love Felipe to be his own version of Captain Awesome.  Be physically fit, travel, be daring in life, intelligent, and kind.  The whole physically fit part was in question for now, can he do contact sports? can run? can he walk? And Felipe's progress had given me hope in the direction of a "yes!"  I will continue to pray for that hope and healing.  However, even if he is healed, Felipe's "Captain Awesomeness" needs to have an example of "awesomeness" from his parents.  I haven't been on a bike in years, why do I think he is going to be biking to and from work? biking along the mountains of the alps? biking on the trails before going camping?! lol So despite the usual waste of time TV watching can be, especially watching over 90 episodes of a series, this show pointed me in the direction of getting healthier and more adventurous so that I can be an example for Felipe.  While Felipe is going through his rehabilitation of learning to walk, then I will learn to be more "awesome."

I'm determined to start with a bike.  Getting a bike and getting a little baby seat for Felipe to have a front view and experience the joy of wind in his hair.  While its a goal right now, I'm without a bike, helmet, baby seat or space to put said bike.  However, as God has provided me while being out on leave, if its adventure worth beginning, things will sort themselves out.  I have faith :)

Here is to being Awesome despite not always having awesome news.....ciao ciao